When Jealousy Rears Its Ugly Head

broken heart

I am not a particularly jealous person. I use the word ‘particularly’ because of course, there are some things that give me an occasional twinge. Like that friend who always weighs 120 pounds and looks fabulous; who can eat her own weight in ice-cream, chocolate and movie popcorn and never gain an ounce. Or the extremely attractive, really-young woman who had her sights set on my husband when he and I first began dating and would – as I called it then – come ‘sniffing around’ when she knew I wasn’t there. Even at night, when all the lights were out.

But flat-out jealous? Luckily, it is a monster that only rarely knocks on my door.

The first time I thought I would quite literally die of jealousy was on my son’s sixth birthday. Just six months since my Ex had told me he wanted a divorce, my children – then aged 4 and 6 – went on their first vacation without me. With their new step-mom (who, I should add, is still part of their lives over twenty years later and loves them both dearly). I didn’t see it so peacefully at the time. Actually, I sat outside on my balcony, writing torrents of indecipherable gibberish for about eight hours, crying so hard that the pages became tear-soaked and progressively more illegible as the day progressed. I wouldn’t have thought the human body could even hold that many tears.

That remains one of the worst days of my life.

I didn’t care, much, that my Ex was spending his vacation with a new woman – he and I had inadvertently gone our separate ways long before the divorce – but my heart was broken to see another woman spending my vacation time with my children. On my first-born’s sixth birthday. I have never felt so lonely – or so alone – in my entire life. I got a glimpse that day, into the remainder of their childhood. From that point forward, there would be so many moments that I would miss: 26 weeks (182 days) of every single year; every second week-end; one Christmas out of two; one New Years out of two; a great many birthdays; almost every Hallowe’en; and so many ‘firsts’ I would only get to hear about after the fact.

I have been trying to figure out why I started writing this one. I do like to have a ‘point’, a ‘moral’ or at best – a happy ending in mind when I start to write. But there really isn’t any point to this post, except to say that sometimes, life can be really, really hard.

And some memories are seared into our souls.

Source of photo

Patti Moore Wilson © wednesdayschildca.wordpress.com

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Author: Patti Moore Wilson, wednesdayschild2

I write what I feel. And I rarely know exactly what I feel until I write. I have lived long enough to have known many joys and many sorrows. I have made many mistakes; I have forgiven myself for a few… I have learned that there are lessons in every step of this journey, if we only take the time to pay attention… I hope you will feel free to pick and choose the stories that resonate for you…

12 thoughts on “When Jealousy Rears Its Ugly Head”

  1. I’ve been there exactly. It’s a heartbreak unlike any other. I see the wisdom in not knowing the future in these situations. I heard this said by a woman who was asked how she survived a really awful event: “I didn’t want to live. I went to sleep. I woke up, still alive. I got out of bed.” Isn’t that the truth? You just muddle through.

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    1. Oh, indeed…😔 The one good thing, which I could not know at the time, was that day was my personal rock bottom. There was nowhere to go but (slowly) up, from that point forward. And when I have the occasional bad patch, as we all do, I can and do compare it to that moment, knowing things could feel worse. So sorry you’ve been there too…

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  2. Envy is normal. If you realize that’s what you’re feeling it isn’t so hard to deal with. Your ex’s new bride was in your old position not long after your whole life had changed. I doubt anyone would’ve dealt with it any differently.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am very glad it is not an emotion that tortures me that often… and it helps, all these years later, knowing how much the kids love her and what a loving presence she has been in their lives. It has also given me a lot of empathy for others going through similar situations. Sometimes all you CAN say is “I have been there. I remember how it felt for me, and you WILL get through this.” Thanks, as always Charlie, for stopping by…

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  3. You are writing because your heart wanted you to… 🙂 life is a challenge and if one is living life, one is constantly learning … you felt sorrow so you would know and cherish happiness.. the experience brought you closer to your son… “ The love a mother has for her children is legendary, it is said a child is the mother’s heart outside her body.”

    And you were the better person because in spite of the pain, you allowed your son to be with his father, something I suspect your son has not forgotten… 🙂

    The universe knows that I am not into religion but I believe there is a saying; “God promised you a safe landing, he did not say the journey was going to be a smooth one”… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Larry… that first quote really resonates… and yes, it was hard learning to ‘share’ my son and daughter but I know they do indeed appreciate all the times that we did our best to make things easier on THEM and not on ourselves. Even when we didn’t want to… 😊

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  4. A snapshot of a memorable moment…a sad one, in fact… I can’t imagine what you must have gone through..the agony you felt…Many hugs for the you who sat on the balcony and the you who is writing this now.

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